for a minute there i lost myself

sometimes you just want to be 16 again, sitting on a school bench and getting a first kiss from the first boy you ever loved.

i’m rambling – yes, but there must be at least one person out there who understands what’s to follow.

i came across something today while cleaning out my books: an old note. we said we would grow old together. we would be partners in crime. we would spend our life together forever and always, be each other’s rock.

young love is the best love because you can never have it again. it’s a feeling you can only hope to be able to remember. it reminds you of who you used to be when you had the full capacity to put yourself out there for someone, or something, so carelessly. you think everything you do together is special and nothing else matters. you grow up together and everything is wonderful because you become a part of who the other person is. eventually, you won’t even need to say a word but you still “get” each other.

as i’ve gotten older and gone through some rough times, i’ve realized how important it is to remember that feeling. it feels like home but in a distant time or place that only now feels as real as a dream. it fucks you up and it fucks everything else up. to be honest, it’s fucking terrible. you’re never the same again once these people are no longer a part of your life. it shakes you, it makes you crazy, but it also makes you stronger.

i’m not sad, nor would i change where i am now, who i am today or the people i’ve surrounded myself with, but if there is one thing i could do differently, it would be to let this person know that i’m thankful for the times we did have – good and bad. he’s always going to be a part of who i am and i can’t change that. besides, i would be stupid to deny the impact he’s made on my life because he is the reason why i am resilient.

i failed that half of myself once and lost it. to let that happen again would make me hopeless.

it took some time, but i’m better than that now. i know i’m not hopeless.

IDK Much

But I know I love you.
And that may be all there is to know.

It’s just that simple.

Every weekend, my lovely man-friend goes to work in the city – leaving me to do whatever I care to do solo. Cool? Not really. But the man needs to do what he does. Of course I use my time wisely though. I give my cat my full attention which she lacks pretty much all week (and which is the reason why she’s getting…shh…fat). I fold my laundry. I water my plants, do dishes, pretend to read. Today was a particularly strenuous day. I slept in and then woke up for a job interview in the afternoon and then watched movies. (For those of you squares, I’m being “totes” facetious about the ‘strenuous’ part.) Anyway, I feel like I leave myself the opportunity to become an emotional mess on the weekends so he doesn’t have to see my psycho-girl cutesy freakouts when he actually is around.

WHAT does that mean? It means I listen to sappy downer music and watch depressing movies about unrequited love and tumultuous relationships. This afternoon was filled with “Paper Heart” and, a classic, “Eternal Sunshine…” along with some Dallas Green. I get emotional with a box of tissues, my cat, and a cup of tea. NBD.

BTW, I have to apologize because I know you most of you are probably really confused now about whether I’m joking or just a straight up nut-case.

LOVE.
Yes, I’m writing about love. I think it would put my mind at ease to write a bit about love after having to write a 6 pg. paper about how I developed my ‘sexual self’ for my HDE12 course. Telling a panel of people about when I lost my virginity or if I touch myself is hardly what I’d describe as cathartic.

I’ve been lucky enough to have experienced love of the intimate variety about twice in my lifetime. I think for only being 21 that is a great accomplishment…not that it’s some kind of race or anything. But I’ve been there. I’ve spent many nights awake thinking about how much I think (yes, meta-analyzing) about the things I want out of life and what makes me happy, & I don’t know if I’m doomed from being naive or blessed for having realized it, but all I want out of life is to be something to someone and have someone who means everything to me. I wasn’t the best person at this in the past, but we all need to start somewhere.

This time around has been all about doing things right and that has been exactly what motivates me to push past old short-comings. And let me tell you… it has made a world of difference in how I see everything now. Especially by the way our relationship has been since day one, having seen each other nearly 24/7, I have grown to be so attached to him but in the most peculiar way. It’s not that I need him by my side at all moments and wouldn’t dare to cross a street without holding his hand, but I have never thought so much about what someone else needs. I’ve never wanted so badly to make someone  happy.

There is something about spending day after day with someone that I find irresistible. And when it gets to be nearly hour upon hour within this person’s presence, it’s crazy how time seems to slip by and there are never enough hours in the day. I’ve been notorious for putting space between myself and other people, so when I realized that my boyfriend and I have spent an average of 100 hrs/week together for the past couple of months it’s amazing that my only complaint would be that I wished the days were longer.

In a way it seems like the weekends are my time to balance out my emotions by shoving all the bad feelings I should normally be having into two days of sad movies, ice cream and reclusive tendencies. During the week, I really couldn’t be happier. I know everyone goes through a honeymoon phase but by the looks of it, it seems like our honeymoon has only barely started. As much as he thinks he’s boring, I could really sit and stare at him all day to my heart’s content yada-yada and all that other mushy stuff. It’s just how I feel.

I love falling asleep to him playing with my hair. I love how peaceful I could actually feel waking up to someone looking right back at me. I like that we share avocados. I love that after I did the laundry he tried to fold my clothes for me, and even though they looked terrible I couldn’t have been happier. I even like him when he’s grumpy, but like it even more that he still loves me when I am.

It blows my mind how the littlest and seemingly mundane things that we trudge through daily can become something totally different, maybe even spectacular. And for me, it’s all because of that feeling that I get that makes my heart start pounding when I see his face.

Ironic

I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve been trying to do things right for the wrong cause.

I can only hope that’s not true, but time will tell.
I’m not in the business of changing people.

I’m so tired of this place.

I wish I could head out here again…

…but Monday’s travels will make everything okay (:

It’s Relentless

The more I see you, the more I want to stay.

It took time then I found you.

David & I went to go see one of our top-five favorite bands the other night. I’m sure a lot of you who are my friends on Facebook saw all the posts I put up that day. Sorry, again, for swamping your feeds!

That was definitely a great Monday night. We had really good seats and the Warfield is always awesome. Interpol was ridiculously good live as well. The set they’d played was a little surprising because they didn’t play too much off of the new album – I’m not complaining since Turn On the Bright Lights and Antics are among my favorites of the four.

Here are some videos from Monday night:

Tyler Durden said it best.

You met me at a very strange time in my life.

Every major mark in our lives always seems to be the most dramatic when it’s happening, doesn’t it?
I really believed this ‘strange time’ had already happened – then a couple years flew by and, shit… those weren’t strange times at all.

The past year has definitely fostered some of the most confusing, exhaustive and, yet, enlightening moments I’ve experienced. Finishing school, looking for my start on a career, new friends and a different outlook. There was a ton of things I’d never be able to prepare for, that’s for sure.

Several people have been giving me grief lately for nothing more than me being the person I am. That’s fine; everyone is entitled to their opinion. On that note, however, I really have to say that it does bother me when people decide to jump the gun and make assertions about me or what I do with my time. I know everyone is busy these days, myself included, but how about we find the time to talk to each other before getting ahead of ourselves and saying some really false, offensive things?

I’m focusing on what’s good for me. Don’t worry – I’m not running awry.

So, please, let me debunk two questions for ya.

#1 – Stephanie, why have you been so selfish/MIA?

• This concept of being selfish has never been explained to well to me but I’m going to try to address it.

  Honestly, I have so much stuff on my plate atm. Between finishing up my last quarter at UCD, working on an internship, and being someone’s PA, and searching/applying for work, I really don’t have the energy to expend on much else. I’m sorry if I’m bad at staying in contact with a lot of you, but if I reach out to you at all I wish it would be received knowing that I chose to do so with only the warmest intentions, not because I felt obligated to. Yes, I know I am always on the computer but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m doing nothing. It sounds horrible, but my livelihood depends on how efficient I am at being online all the time. If I know I’m being unfairly ridiculed for trying to do good things for myself and my future, I won’t hesitate to cut people like that out of my life.It’s impossible to be busy at all hours, don’t get me wrong. So what do I do when I’m not working on something? Immersing myself in the presence of good company away from the computer, of course.

#2 – Who/What is this “company” you’re talking about that you focus your free time on?

• It is WHO, and his name is David.

  I put a lot of the crazy thoughts in my head online and disclose so much of my personal information on the internet, but relationships are something that should be the business of the people directly involved and them alone. At least that’s how I feel about it. There’s been some confusion about that lately so we only recently made it public less than a month ago, but yes I have been dating someone. He’s been the best thing to walk into my life  and I couldn’t imagine a day without him in it. He’s been super supportive of everything I’m trying to achieve and helps me not be as big of a mess as I typically am on my own. I couldn’t be more happy or thankful.