But I know I love you.
And that may be all there is to know.
It’s just that simple.
Every weekend, my lovely man-friend goes to work in the city – leaving me to do whatever I care to do solo. Cool? Not really. But the man needs to do what he does. Of course I use my time wisely though. I give my cat my full attention which she lacks pretty much all week (and which is the reason why she’s getting…shh…fat). I fold my laundry. I water my plants, do dishes, pretend to read. Today was a particularly strenuous day. I slept in and then woke up for a job interview in the afternoon and then watched movies. (For those of you squares, I’m being “totes” facetious about the ‘strenuous’ part.) Anyway, I feel like I leave myself the opportunity to become an emotional mess on the weekends so he doesn’t have to see my psycho-girl cutesy freakouts when he actually is around.
WHAT does that mean? It means I listen to sappy downer music and watch depressing movies about unrequited love and tumultuous relationships. This afternoon was filled with “Paper Heart” and, a classic, “Eternal Sunshine…” along with some Dallas Green. I get emotional with a box of tissues, my cat, and a cup of tea. NBD.
BTW, I have to apologize because I know you most of you are probably really confused now about whether I’m joking or just a straight up nut-case.
Yes, I’m writing about love. I think it would put my mind at ease to write a bit about love after having to write a 6 pg. paper about how I developed my ‘sexual self’ for my HDE12 course. Telling a panel of people about when I lost my virginity or if I touch myself is hardly what I’d describe as cathartic.
I’ve been lucky enough to have experienced love of the intimate variety about twice in my lifetime. I think for only being 21 that is a great accomplishment…not that it’s some kind of race or anything. But I’ve been there. I’ve spent many nights awake thinking about how much I think (yes, meta-analyzing) about the things I want out of life and what makes me happy, & I don’t know if I’m doomed from being naive or blessed for having realized it, but all I want out of life is to be something to someone and have someone who means everything to me. I wasn’t the best person at this in the past, but we all need to start somewhere.
This time around has been all about doing things right and that has been exactly what motivates me to push past old short-comings. And let me tell you… it has made a world of difference in how I see everything now. Especially by the way our relationship has been since day one, having seen each other nearly 24/7, I have grown to be so attached to him but in the most peculiar way. It’s not that I need him by my side at all moments and wouldn’t dare to cross a street without holding his hand, but I have never thought so much about what someone else needs. I’ve never wanted so badly to make someone happy.
There is something about spending day after day with someone that I find irresistible. And when it gets to be nearly hour upon hour within this person’s presence, it’s crazy how time seems to slip by and there are never enough hours in the day. I’ve been notorious for putting space between myself and other people, so when I realized that my boyfriend and I have spent an average of 100 hrs/week together for the past couple of months it’s amazing that my only complaint would be that I wished the days were longer.
In a way it seems like the weekends are my time to balance out my emotions by shoving all the bad feelings I should normally be having into two days of sad movies, ice cream and reclusive tendencies. During the week, I really couldn’t be happier. I know everyone goes through a honeymoon phase but by the looks of it, it seems like our honeymoon has only barely started. As much as he thinks he’s boring, I could really sit and stare at him all day to my heart’s content yada-yada and all that other mushy stuff. It’s just how I feel.
I love falling asleep to him playing with my hair. I love how peaceful I could actually feel waking up to someone looking right back at me. I like that we share avocados. I love that after I did the laundry he tried to fold my clothes for me, and even though they looked terrible I couldn’t have been happier. I even like him when he’s grumpy, but like it even more that he still loves me when I am.
It blows my mind how the littlest and seemingly mundane things that we trudge through daily can become something totally different, maybe even spectacular. And for me, it’s all because of that feeling that I get that makes my heart start pounding when I see his face.